The Hardships of Being Ninken
by DragonCastle
Summary: It is Pakkun's firm belief that Kakashi needed to get laid. For KakaSaku Week 2016, prompt: salty.


It was no secret that Pakkun and the rest of the ninken adored Kakashi.

True, they were his summons, thus automatically ensuring a strong bond between them. But Kakashi had always been more than a master. Kakashi, who gave them baths and treats and brushed their fur and painstakingly pulled out their ticks and fleas whenever summer comes rolling around, had first and foremost been their friend. They knew Kakashi inside out, knew what makes him tick, what makes him smile. Or more particularly, _who_ , makes him smile.

It was no secret to the whole of Konoha that Kakashi harbored feelings for one Haruno Sakura. The girl was oblivious though, and apparently, Kakashi planned to keep it that way.

"I'm too old," Pakkun remembered him saying when he confronted Kakashi about it one day, "she wouldn't look at me that way. You're putting things in the wrong context. Now, please stop bothering me, I'm reading my book." Kakashi said as a declaration that this conversation was over.

And Pakkun would have let it go at that if only Sakura hadn't decided that, at twenty-four, she was getting a bit advanced in years and started dating around, eventually causing Kakashi to be so _damn salty_ all the time. It was obvious the man was jealous, and his way of coping? Brooding and a perpetually cranky demeanor. After watching Kakashi lash out at a positively frightened chuunin team mate after the latter misunderstood his orders while on a mission, Pakkun decided that enough was enough.

"What is wrong with you?" Pakkun growled, "wait, don't answer that. I already know."

Kakashi looked at his companion with a raise of his brow, "oh? And pray tell, what is wrong with me?"

"You nearly scared that chuunin to death for bringing back the wrong kind of vegetables for dinner."

"I specifically ordered him to not bring back carrots, yet he did. That's a clear sign of insubordination."

Pakkun sighed. "That. That is what I'm talking about. You're so uptight these days, Kakashi. You need to loosen up."

"I'm loose enough."

"I didn't mean your morals."

Kakashi scowled.

"Anyway," Pakkun continued, "what I'm saying is, you need to get laid."

"I don't see how that correlates to anything."

"Don't test me, Kakashi. We all know you're cranky and jealous because Sakura's dating around."

"I am not cranky nor jealous." Kakashi replied indignantly.

"Yeah, yeah. Keep telling that to yourself."

* * *

It was a strange sight to Konoha to see the famed Copy-Nin unmasked. Yet the citizens can't even bring themselves to care about that because, while seeing the Copy-Nin unmasked felt strange, seeing him bound and gagged, tied to a pack of ninken, as the aforementioned ninken dragged him around the city was even more so.

"Feeling okay, Kakashi?" Pakkun asked gleefully as he mercifully pulled off the cloth sock gagging Kakashi's mouth.

"What the hell was that? It tastes like roadkill!"

Pakkun huffed, "I'll have you know that that was Bull's favorite sock."

"Why is it salty, then? And it smells like something died in it."

"He's had it since he was a pup and hasn't washed it since then." Kakashi turned slightly green. "He can't sleep without it yet he mercifully lent it to us for our cause. You should be thankful."

"I should be thankful that you stuffed a moldy old sock in my mouth and dragged me around Konoha?"

"It's not moldy, don't say that. You'll hurt Bull's feelings."

"Fine. Where are you guys taking me anyway and why do I need to be tied?"

"Where else? Tonight, you, my friend, are going to get yourself a woman."

Realization dawned on Kakashi, "don't you dare take me to a brothel! Pakkun! I swear, the moment I'm untied I – mmfhh"

"You talk too much." Pakkun said as he stuffed the sock back in Kakashi's mouth.

* * *

The ninken didn't take him to a brothel.

 _Whatever do you think of us? Of course we wouldn't take you to a brothel._ Pakkun had said as they dragged Kakashi up a flight of stairs in the apartment complex they went to.

No. The ninken didn't take him to a brothel. Where they took him was, in Kakashi's opinion, much worse.

They stopped in front of a door Kakashi was more than familiar with. Pakkun pressed the doorbell.

A few minutes later, Sakura came to answer the door.

"Oh! Pakkun! What are you guys doing here?" Her eyes widened slightly at seeing Kakashi tied to the ninken, his mouth stuffed with the moldiest looking sock she has ever seen. "And why is Kakashi tied up?"

"Well, you see, Sakura-chan, Kakashi hasn't been feeling well lately." Pakkun began.

"He is?" Sakura's face flashed with worry. "Let me have a look at him."

"Oh no! You get me wrong. Kakashi's healthy as a horse. It's just that, he's not himself. He's wasting away."

Sakura's brow furrowed. "What's wrong with him?"

Pakkun looked at Sakura gravely. "There is something all men need, Sakura-chan. It doesn't matter what species you belong to, it is all the same." At Sakura's confused look, Pakkun continued, "Kakashi needs to get laid. Will you help him, Sakura-chan?"

Kakashi's eyes widened. Kami, help him.

Kakashi watched Sakura's mouth drop open in shock as his face turned various shades of red. He managed to spit out Bull's sock from his mouth and tried to retract Pakkun's damning words.

"Don't listen to him! Don't listen to him, I swear, Sakura, Pakkun's just kidding! You know how these guys are, always the jokers!"

"Don't listen to him, Sakura-chan, he obviously needs help. Specifically from you, actually. Do all the chuunins of the world a favor and just the date the man, will you? He's in love with you, you know."

Kakashi didn't think it possible for Sakura to look more astonished than she is now. "Oh," was her only reply.

Kakashi leveled a glare at his ninken who only wagged their tails happily in return. They were dead meat once they get home. Pakkun's death would be especially bloody. Kakashi was about to continue convincing Sakura that this was just an unfunny trick played on both of them when the he felt her kneeling beside him, her face slowly inching toward his. She was too close. He could see the gold flecks on her green eyes and he could feel himself heating up at their closeness.

"Was Pakkun right? Do you need help from me, Kakashi?" She whispered.

Kakashi flushed even further as he tried to stammer out a coherent response. "I-I, Sakura, Pakkun was just-"

"Because I want to help you," she interrupted. She was now practically on top of him as she straddled him to reach around to untie his bounds. "Will you let me help you, Kakashi?"

His heart was banging so harshly in his chest, it felt like it would burst out his ribcage any moment. Bull gently nudged him, reminding him to reply to the proposition the woman he loved was making. He couldn't speak but he managed to nod.

Sakura smiled. A sinfully sultry one in Kakashi's opinion. "Good." She whispered against his lips.

Pakkun watched Sakura pull Kakashi to his feet, leading him to her apartment. The man still looked too shocked by the sudden turn of events to properly function but he's pretty sure Sakura would quickly remedy that. As the door to Sakura's apartment closed, leaving the two shinobi alone inside, Pakkun briefly wondered if he should have slipped Kakashi breath mints. Bull's sock _was_ quite nasty.

Oh well.

Those two better name their first child after him considering all the trouble he went through to get them together.

Hatake Pakkun has such a nice ring to it, doesn't it?


End file.
